What To Do When Your Life Explodes Under Fire

I was wondering to myself, one day recently, why I had so much difficulty doing it all in one week-by all, I mean spending time with my child, cooking, keeping my house as tidy as I would like, and running my practice. I seemed to recall childhood memories of my working mother accomplishing tasks more efficiently.  It dawned on me that neither my mother nor elder female relatives lived as I currently do. They lived in a community of people that could help. I recall cleaning my aunt’s home when her children were younger. She too was a solo entrepreneur, and my mother or grandmother would encourage (translation: make) us to help her out because she did not have time to mop her floors or do her laundry. I also recall being much younger and eating at different relative's homes during the week. Sometimes relatives would eat at our house. In recalling these memories, what I realized is that the same person wasn’t cooking or preparing a large meal daily. These bits and pieces of memory reminded me that we all need help and that no one can do it all.

When I encountered financial difficulties as I was trying to juggle my multiple responsibilities, a friend asked what she could do for me that would be helpful as I was no longer able to do for myself. I immediately responded, “Have someone assist me with cleaning my home.”  While I knew the answer immediately, she had to convince me to allow her to help me by paying for this service for me. As badly as I knew that I needed help, my embarrassment at not being able to do this for myself almost prevented me from accepting the help. She reminded me that this is how friends help and that friends also allow each other to help. Receiving her aid decreased my stress significantly and increased my time for myself and my child, which grew my enjoyment as I engaged in other life tasks.

Maybe you do not ask for help or accept help because of pride. Perhaps there are other reasons:

• You may be accustomed to providing support but not asking for help.
• You may think that people ought to just offer help if they see that you need it and feel resentful if/when they do not.
• You may believe that others will hold the help they provide over your head.
• You may fear that others will not do things in the way you like, even if they do help.
• You may think, “I don’t want to inconvenience anyone.”

Do any of the above reasons prevent you from asking for or receiving the help you need?  Personally, and in my professional work as a licensed psychologist, I encounter many women who are overwhelmed. The demands of modern life on women are taxing. Women are often charged with managing the home while working inside or outside of it and have the bulk of the responsibility for childrearing or caretaking of elderly parents. An additional layer of a burden is added when one feels the pressure or need to stay connected in a world where one’s digital presence is scrutinized and commented upon endlessly. These demands are even more intense for women who relocate to locales for personal or professional reasons that geographically remove them from close friends and family.

The solution is to ask for help. As I mentioned above, doing so will decrease your stress and increase your ability to cultivate joy in your life. When I can’t play with my child another minute without wanting to pull my hair out, and I find cleaning a respite (yes, it’s true), I call a neighbor and ask can my child come over to play. When I need to find time to write, I call a neighbor. I also let my neighbors know that I am available to help when they need someone to care for their children. Yes, reaching out to others means that you will sometimes be the person reached out to as well. That is perfectly fine. Sometimes, you will be able to help and sometimes you won’t. It is the flow, and it works well when you are in it. You can’t be afraid of it or think for other people. We often talk ourselves out of asking for the help that we need. People don’t know that you need help if you don’t ask or if you are a person that appears to have things handled ALL of the time Asking for help is not a sign of weakness or that you are inept. As a side note, when you see people are overwhelmed, offer to take a load off in a way that is meaningful. For example, my friend and I traded off on cooking meals to help each other out. If you are a single mother and you need a break, perhaps you can trade off on spending time with another’s child.

Perhaps you don’t ask for help because you think that the support will come with strings - people meddling in your business, unwanted advice, and judgment, etc. Sure, all of these things may happen, but they are also a part of life whether you ask for help or not. If those things freak you out or create a significant amount of stress more than trying to carry the load all by yourself, then don’t ask for help. If you don’t ask though, you give up all rights to complain about not having the support that you need.

There may be trade-offs when you ask for help. It is up to you to determine if you can manage hearing someone’s mouth for the short term in exchange for reducing your stress. Remember, you can tune that out or learn how to do so, but it takes a while to undo the damage to your body and spirit that is caused by constant stress. Whatever reason you are not asking for help, it is likely a function of myth-making on your part about what it means. Examine the myths and undo them. If you can’t do that by yourself, ask for the help of a trained professional, whose job it is to keep your confidence, so that you can ask for more help and manage life better and cultivate greater joy in your life.